Life is an evolving story. One minute you think you are doing OK then the next minute you are in the depths of grief not knowing if life will ever be remotely what it once was. That’s my life over the last 4 years. I was 34, a father of a two year old girl and had a wife that was 38 weeks pregnant about to give birth to our 2nd daughter. Then, in an instant our lives changed.
An obstetric emergency during the birth our daughter, Wren, led to her suffering severe HIE. Born, resuscitated and flown to Melbourne at 6 hours of age our lives were never going to be the same. We spent 8 days by her bedside before she passed away in our arms after a beautiful afternoon with our family in the garden at the Royal Children’s Hospital.
To those outside looking in it looks traumatic, I mean it is, but on the inside we spent our time showering Wren with love, making memories, reading stories whilst knowing the most capable doctors and nurses in Australia could give our her a chance to survive. We tried as much as we could to live in the moment with her not knowing what the future may hold. We never lost hope, and even now that she has been gone for 4 years I still haven’t lost hope. I don’t always know what I am hoping for but I haven’t lost hope.
You don’t expect your child to die. You think its quite rare, that’s until it happens to you. I had never felt grief like this before, and no matter what was said or done nothing could help that overwhelming feeling inside. Looking back, the feelings of isolation were some of the hardest to navigate, and they didn’t change quickly but they did change in time. Feeling like you are the first person to navigate child loss takes time to work through. Connecting with other people, being able to share your story and feeling safe to do so amongst a community that understands is when I started to find my feet again.
Everyone deserves a community to support them in the perinatal period, never more so if you are battling PNDA or any form of loss. By being part of a community I was then able to lean on those around me as I navigated the next period of my life.
Fast forward four years, my wife and I have been lucky enough to add two more children to our family. We have a little boy who is nearly 3 years old and a beautiful daughter who has just gone 6 months. The subsequent pregnancies were such difficult things to navigate, and being in that perinatal period once again its always good to have mates, a community and professionals to talk to going through something similar as to not feel alone- and if you feel yourself slipping you know you can get the support you need.
I am thankful for those around us who have supported us through the highs and lows of the last four years. Those who keep turning up, the connections we have made and the community that we are a part of. We will never forget the 8 days we spent with our daughter, and we will keep fighting on to honour her and her memory.